i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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