She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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