im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
