Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
