You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
