I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
