I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
