my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
