I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
