i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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