areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
