hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
my liver is dry heaving
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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