How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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