1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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