my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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