This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
