I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
