suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
