So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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