I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
