sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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