the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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