my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
