alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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