she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
