can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
