I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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