Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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