Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
