So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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