Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
