I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
