hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
