Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
