So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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