Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
