if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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