I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
