i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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