Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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