also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
