i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
