She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
