note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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