Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
