my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
