I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
