I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
