I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
