I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
