Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
