I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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