My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
