The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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