Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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