I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
