Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
