The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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