Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize